Obama Jokes at the Annual White House Coorespondents’ Dinner

President Barack Obama had one motto Saturday night at the annual White House Correspondents’ Association dinner: “Take no prisoners.”

Here are the top jokes he told, as reported by CNN:

1. “Bucket”

When life gets hard and the Republicans are cramping his style, Obama’s decided to just “bucket” — or at least another phrase that rhymes with it. It’s a new policy he’s decided on in the fourth quarter of his presidency.

Obama listed off his (rhymes with) “bucket list.”

“Take executive action on immigration? Bucket. New climate regulations? Bucket. It’s the right thing to do,” Obama said, picking up on criticism of his executive actions.

2. Anger translator enlisted

Obama enlists 'anger translator'

Perhaps the funniest moment of the night was when Obama called up his “anger translator,” Luther — AKA comedian Keegan-Michael Key.

The skit saw Obama deliver mellow, politically correct lines as Key — err, Luther — sounded off with the unvarnished truth.

“Hold on to your lily white butts,” Luther opened.

The Obama version: “In our fast changing world, traditions like the White House Correspondents’ Dinner are important.”

The anger translation: “I mean really what is this dinner?” he says jumping emphatically. “And why am I required to go to it? Jeb Bush, do you really want to do this?”

Obama talking about campaign fundraising: “Hillary will have to raise huge sums of money too.”

Translation: “Oh yeah,” Luther says with a wild look in his eyes. “She goin’ get that money. She goin’ get all the money. Khaleesi is coming to Westeros,” a reference to HBO’s “Game of Thrones”.

But taking the script away from his “anger translator,” Obama seemed ready to forgo the translation as he began talking about climate change.

“Every serious scientists says we need act. The Pentagon says it’s a national security risk. Miami floods on a sunny day and instead of doing anything about it, we’ve got elected officials throwing snowballs in the Senate,” Obama said referring to Republican Sen. Jim Inhoffe’s stunt on the Senate floor aimed at disproving global warming.

“O.K. I think I got it bro,” Luther says.

“It is crazy. What about our kids, what kind of stupid short-sighted, irresponsible, bull — ” Obama continues before being cut off by his “translator.”

3. Hillary Clinton’s financial woes

Obama’s Clinton joke was almost like a return to Clinton’s comments that she and President Bill Clinton were “dead broke” when they left the White House.

As Obama noted, “for many Americans, this is still a time of deep uncertainty.”

“For example I have one friend, just a few weeks ago she was making millions of dollars a year. And she ‘s now living out of a van in Iowa,” Obama said in a reference to Clinton’s listening tour in the days and weeks following her campaign announcement.

4. Knocking the 2016ers

Obama knocked Ted Cruz as a narcissist after the Texas Republican senator recently compared himself to Galileo for fighting back against climate change:

“Galileo believed the world revolved around the sun. Ted Cruz believes the Earth revolves around Ted Cruz,” Obama joked.

And Rick Santorum should stop talking about how he wouldn’t attend a gay marriage, Obama said — because there’s no way gays and lesbians would even consider inviting him to a same-sex wedding.

And for Donald Trump, who is eying a presidential run for the umpteenth time?

“Donald Trump is here. Still,” Obama joked. “Anyway.”

He also landed a couple jokes at the expense of Democrats considering a run for the White House.

“Apparently they really want to see a pot smoking socialist in the White House,” Obama said of Sen. Bernie Sanders, who considers himself a socialist. “We could get a third Obama term after all.”

And on former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley, Obama pulled from Clinton’s recent trip to a Chipotle, where she appeared to try and pass through incognito.

“Not to be outdone, Martin O’Malley kicked things off by going completely unrecognized at a Martin O’Malley campaign event,” Obama quipped.

5. Have no fear…McCain and Biden are here

Obama couldn’t deliver jokes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner without discussing one of the stories that has most dogged that group of reporters: the Secret Service.

Obama said the agency, which has fumbled time and again in the last year, has come up with a “fool proof way to keep people off my lawn.”

The answer came in the form of a Photoshopped picture: Sen. John McCain with a broom.

And to keep the nagging drones away? Vice President Joe Biden with a baseball bat.

6. Don’t worry Senate Democrats, there’s now Obamacare

The 2014 midterms were still on Obama’s mind as he touted the benefits of his signature health care law, that helps American get affordable health insurance even if they don’t have a job.

“Today thanks to Obamacare, you no longer have to worry about losing your insurance if you lose your job. You’re welcome Senate Democrats,” Obama said.

7. The classic Biden joke.

Noting that he was feeling “more loose and relaxed than ever” in the fourth quarter of his presidency, Obama drew back to a too-close-for-comfort moment involving Vice President Joe Biden and Defense Secretary Ash Carter’s wife.

“Those Joe Biden shoulder massages, they’re like magic,” Obama joked. “You should try one. Oh you have?”

Biden got a little touchy-feely with the newly-minted defense secretary’s wife in February — apparently giving her a taste of the Obama special.

8. Biden joke #2

Obama tried to soften up his blow to Biden — blows that have become somewhat of a Washington tradition — by pointing out how much he loves Biden.

“I love that man,” Obama said. “We’ve gotten so close that some places in Indiana won’t serve us pizza any more,” a reference to Indiana’s recent religious freedom law that angered LGBT rights activists.

9. Boehner, Netanyahu…never gets old.

While joking about getting older, Obama joked:

“I look so old [House Speaker] John Boehner’s already invited [Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin] Netanyahu to speak at my funeral,” Obama joked, referring to the House Speaker’s controversial invitation of the Israeli Prime Minister.

10. Dick Cheney

Obama swung back at Vice President Dick Cheney, who recently called Obama “the worst President of my lifetime.”

“Dick Cheney said I was the worst president of his lifetime, which is interesting because I think Dick Cheney is the worst president of my lifetime,” Obama joked of the former vice president, who was considered very influential in the Bush White House.

Odds for Cross-Town World Series Published

Imagine a La-La Land, Bay Bridge, Big Apple, or Chicago White Sox – Chicago Cubs World Series… The odds (only $50 bets are acceptable):

Anaheim Angels (with or without Manager Mike S.) vs. L.A. (always the Brooklyn) Dodgers   17 to 1

San Francisco Giants vs. The Oakland Athletics   27 to 1 giants fan out clubbing New York (Queens) Metropolitans vs. New York Yankees 31 to 1

Chicago White Hose vs. The Chicago Cubs Baseball Club of the National League  9 to 1

 = = = = =

copyright MMXV

Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas, LLC

[ for musement only |

Passion Week in Reno

Holy Week of the 2015 Lenten Season

Diocese of Reno in Northern Nevada U.S.A.

Just when things could not seem to get worse, Passion Week is here. Today, I walked over 5 miles to the U.S. Social Security Office here in Reno and was denied both a new SSA Card but was unable to order a Medicare Card… only in Reno, there are local rules they follow.

Sort of like the St. Thomas Aquinas Cathedral Roman Catholic Church has its peculiar rules. Any bag seen unattended is swiped and the RPD bomb squad is called.

Incidently, two uniformed protestant security guards had me leave the church before Mass last Sunday (the 22nd). After I said a rosary in front of the statue of Jesus lying in the arms of his mother Mary on Good Friday, one guy asked me to take my things to the back of the cathedral… only in Reno.

Only in Reno does the poor steal from the homeless. I have lost all my luggage from California, my cell phone, my laptop computer, my smart phone, address book, passport (stolen in Glenwood Springs, Colorado), drivers license, and important paperwork.

Oh Lord have mercy!

= = =

copyright MMXV

– D.A.D. Publishing & Associates –

“The Last Resort” Scene 3-27-15

Dateline: Reno, Washoe County, Nevada &

Lockwood, Storey County, Nevada

Friday before Good Friday 2015

 

Harvey and Buck fail to retrieve lost luggage dumped by VofA black guard last Friday night at 9 a.m. and driven off by white Waste Management Inc. trashman at 4:30 a.m. PDT last Saturday March 22, 2015,

After a l0ng RTC bus ride and hike to the Lockwood Landfill operated by WMI, the tired intrepid ____ find themselves at the Lockwood Market with nothing but postage stamps to purchase cigs, sodas, and lunch.

(to be continued)

Dailey Sun-Chronicles Challenges the Reno City Councilmembers and City Attorney Hill

During Wednesday’s regularly scheduled City Council meeting, Publisher D. A. Dailey made a three-minute presentation about the rude state of socioeconomic affairs in downtown Reno, Nevada.

 

Several pathetic observations were explained and he begged to get his belongings back that agents of the City of Reno threw away early Saturday morning at their 330 Record Street properties.

 

Efforts to recover four pieces of luggage and a red backpack from Waste Management, Inc. have so far been unsuccessful. Agents of the City of Reno indicate that the personal property have been buried in their Lockwood Landfill, located more than a dozen miles east of Reno.

Buck Exiled on Reno’s Record Street Ghetto

I made a 3 minute appeal to the Reno City Council today…
things need to be done to improve the treatment of homeless folk.

Met with the director of Catholic Charities counseling and was so frustrated that I asked her to consider to resign… It was at least the sixth time that I went in for help – only once did they and it amounted to assistance on a $7 prescription of anti-biotics.

So, if an organization is masquerading as a very Christian one helping the poor, needy, hungry, children’s, etc… They have taken the good name of St. Vincent in-vain.

Why don’t they just shut their doors… if they don’t muster up.

“St. Vincent Dining Room of Reno” quit serving unnutritious food at your own convenience! Help the homeless! And not just the unborn child.

p.s.

A letter was written to the Chief Executive Officer of the Catholic Charities of Northern Nevada. No response has been received. No improvements noted in any of the services they are involved with… Happy Holy Wednesday. Go figure…

Monday Morning in the Reno Nevada Ghetto

Fat or is it Phat Girls in Reno

 

(Woman was captured on film at the Transition Resource Center on 335 Record Street, Reno, Nevada 89512, by Reno TV Channel Two (2) AT 10:10 a.m. PDT)

 

“I don’t owe me nor society one bit!”, said the young weight challenged homeless ‘junkie.'”

Held Hostage by Reno Police Department Since February 20

Dateline: Thursday, March 19, 2015

10:10 a.m. PDT

[revised Wednesday, April 1st]

St. Joseph’s Feast Day and San Juan Capistrano Annual Flyby

Diocese of Reno in Northern Nevada of the United States of America

The Reno Police keep yelling at me and offering me advice that places me in further danger. After 9 robberies, I no longer have a:

  1. phone,
  2. laptop computer,
  3. wallet,
  4. “federal or state issued photo identification cards”,
  5. money,
  6. passport,
  7. driver’s license,
  8. service-assistance dog,
  9. ability to wager in the big-box casinos,
  10. no bus ticket,
  11. no train ticket or plane trip out of town,
  12. noway to place my own sports bet in a casino sportsbook,
  13. no way to make money,
  14. little prescription medicine,
  15. no bed to sleep,

Oh and I have had pneumonia since 2-23-15, as diagnosed by the local St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center hospital.

p.s. I have a top bunk to sleep in from 4 p.m. to 8 a.m.; My pneumonia recovery is almost complete.

Help may be solicited and received at Community Assistance Center at 335 Record Street, right here in downtown Reno, 89512-3327. c/o David A. Dailey [missionary]

Trying Not to Let 1 Bad Ride on AmTrack from Reno . . . Ruin the Rest of My Hassled Life

DAD Reporting from San Francisco

3/4/15  8:10 p.m. PST

FINALLY MADE IT TO SAN FRAN

ONLY 30 MILES SOUTH TO GO . . . Cannot get a cab, yet

Amtrak Porter from Chicago

Amtrak Porter from Chicago

Weather Report (not the music group, dumbo) Coast-to-Coast-to-Hawai’ian Coast

Dateline: Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Winter has about 17 days to go on our Julian Calendars

Selected Weather in the United States of America (reporting by Buck Dailey & Associates in the Pacific Standard Time Zone at 5:20 a.m. PST (PDT resumes THIS 3rd Lenten Sunday, except in Hawai’i and Indiana)):

Longboat Key [EST], (Sara-Soda County) Florida  67 degrees and very dense fog

Wailuku (capital of Maui County)Aloha State [HST], 73 degrees and clearing

Washington, D.C.  32 degrees, cloudy and FREEZING

Aspen (Pitkin County seat south of assassinated President Ohioan James Garfield County), Colorado  19 degrees and cloudy with NO chance of snow powder

Gardenville, (County of Douglas) east of beautiful blue Lake Tahoe, Nevada   28 degrees, cold as hell, and some devilish clouds

Redwood City (capital of San Mateo County), California  46 degrees and always a chance of rain when you do not have an umbrella with you or have to walk a mile to the dentist or pawn shop

* pictured below is a southernly view toward Mount ‘Sinai’ near Pitkin County, Western Colorado

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 102 other followers