Not So Much Random Acts of Kindness (excerpt from screenplay script)

Setting: Halfway House in California

Summer of Love II – July 2011

     Once upon a time . . .

Another tie. Here is $2,100.

“H. HOWARD” HUGHES

I am amazed. I have never seen two ties like that before.

I better go get a drink or take a cold shower or something.

(laughter)

Thank you. Here is something for you. See you later.

Laverne walks up to the table as Hughes leaves.

LAVERNE

How are you today?

DELILA

Just fine Miss. Would you like to play?

LAVERNE

I have about 50 bucks and would sure like to learn how to play.

DELILA

I would be happy to show you. Please sit down.

FADE OUT – With Queeg hollering after another win at the crap table.

FADE IN – Up in Teddy’s room, Babs returns after sneaking the dog out for a walk. Buck is worried about being caught on the property.

BUCK

How did it go? Did anyone see you or get suspicious?

BABS

No, of course not.

Hey Eve, where were you last night?

EVE

I did some sneaking around myself.

I ended up in Howard Hughes’ room.

(laughter)

BABS

Hey, let’s play a fun game.

Remember what we did yesterday?

“What would a dog say?”

BUCK

Do you know why male dogs do not like to go to the vet?

Can you imagine getting castrated one month and then having to go back? The dog might say, “Why are you so surprised that I freak out every time we arrive at the vet?”

(laughter)

BABS

Or how about this, “Now do you understand why I chew up your things when you are gone from home?”

(laughter)

EVE

How do you like this dog quote, “Why do you yell at me for barking? Dogs bark instead of talking. Don’t you realize that I am a dog you idiot?!?”

(laughter)

BABS

A dog would like to tell his master, “What is your problem? How come you act disgusted when I lick myself. The truth is, you’re just jealous.”

BUCK

I know that Teddy gets annoyed when someone pretends to throw a ball. He’d probably like to say, “You motherfucker, you think you are way too cool trying to fool me in such a lame way. You putz, let’s hear applause for the top of the animal kingdom food chain.”

EVE

Would dear Teddy like to dress up in some of my outfits?

BABS

Are you kidding? What dog needs to wear odd clothing? I can imagine Teddy saying, “You silly girl, why do you think I have fur for?”

(laughter)

FADE IN – Babe sits down at the 21 table. Homer is there; nodding in and out of sleep. At one point, Homer falls asleep and falls over on top of the table. The dealer cannot wake him up. Guy arrives when he sees security coming over to the 21 table to fool around with Homer.

TOOTSIE

Excuse me, sir.

Please wake and sit up.

PLAINCLOTHED HOTEL SECURITY DICK

Sir, sir, you have to get off the table.

Hey, wake up!

HOMER

Huh?

DICK

You cannot lean on top of the table.

You will have to sleep somewhere else.

You must only have one hand on the black jack table.

GUY

What is going on?

DICK

Do you know this man?

GUY

Yes, we are hotel guests.

He has narcolepsy. What is your problem?

Do you understand what that condition is?

BABE

Take it easy Mr. Dick.

DICK

Epilepsy? Is he having a seizure?

GUY

Leave him be. He is my roommate.

DICK

Take care of your friend or you both will have to leave the casino area.

GUY

Alright, officer.

Homer! Sit up now, please.

HOMER

What was my last bet?

DEALER TOOTSIE

You had $200 down with $100 insurance.

The dealer had 17 and you won on an 19.

You won $200 and got the insurance money back.

You’ll find about $550 in chips in front of you.

DICK

Sir, I think it is time for you to leave.

GUY

Wait a minute, detective.

Let the man play.

He means no harm.

He just has narcolepsy.

Go look it up. Lord have mercy!

By God, give him a break.

HOMER

I’ll put 350 in.

Tootsie, I am ready for the deal.

TOOTSIE

Dealer stays on an 18.

HOMER

I have 20.

GUY

Great bet, Homer!

You made another $525.

Let’s head to the cashier and get away from this dick.

FADE IN – Guy and Homer pick up the chips and head to the cashier’s window laughing while looking back at the hotel dick.

 FADE IN – Poopsie is walking by and stops at the 21 table.

POOPSIE

Hello, dealer. What was that last incident about?

TOOTSIE

One man, who is a narcoleptic, fell asleep on the table and security came over and told him to leave.

POOPSIE

I find that pretty annoying and insensitive.

What is your name?

TOOTSIE

I see your point. My name is Tootsie, miss.

(laughter)

POOPSIE

Oh how funny. My folks named me Poopsie.

Do you think we are cousins?

(laughter)

TOOTSIE

What a coincidence. Would you like to play black jack with me?

POOPSIE

Sure, deal me in.

 FADE OUT – Poopsie enjoys her time with Tootsie and makes a few big wins.

  FADE IN – Carolina, Dolly, Poopsie, and Trixie arrive at the buffet.

POOPSIE

And then this hotel dick comes over to Homer and gives him a hard time. It was a good thing Guy was there to defend him.

CAROLINA

My baby and me are so hungry.

Let’s get a booth.

DOLLY

Good idea. We can use all the elbowroom.

I am going to get at least three plates of food myself.

WAITRESS GERALDINE

Mam, Mammy, you cannot have your dog in the dining room.

DOLLY

My dog Bingo is a certified and licensed assistance dog.

If you do not understand, go talk to your manager!

CAROLINA

What is your name, Mamma?

We’d like to take that booth, OK?

GERALDINE

OK, go help yourself.

TRIXIE

What a bitch.

I’d love to stuff some of their cream pie in her puss.

(laughter)

FADE OUT – The four women are eating quickly like gluttons, laughing so hard that food is falling out of their mouths, and milk is coming out through Trixie’s nose.

FADE IN – Mr. Jack, the General Manager, walks over with a uniformed security person and one undercover security man in the background to observe the play of Queeg at the craps table.

QUEEG

I’ll take another $25 on the six-eight and one buck ($100) on the horn.

Let ‘em roll, Cowboy!

CRAP TABLE STICK MAN

It is a twelve. Box cars! Horn bet pays 30 to 1.

QUEEG

Alright, Cowboy! Keep rolling!

STICK MAN

It is an eight. Eight is the point. We have winners.

MR. JACK

Hello, sir. May I introduce myself?

Would you mind taking a break now?

What is your name? Are you staying in the hotel tonight?

Queeg

I am Captain Queeg.

Who are you?

MR. JACK

I am Mr. Jack.

I must inform you that we have had several complaints.

We urge you to tone it down inside the casino.

FADE IN – Poopsie intervenes in the potential conflict between Queeg and Mr. Jack and offers to take Queeg to his room for the night.

POOPSIE

Hello, sir. I am traveling with this man. What can I help you understand? Is there something wrong?

MR. JACK

It is my casino.

I told your friend that his behavior is unacceptable on the casino floor.

Perhaps you should remove him for the rest of the night.

POOPSIE

Is his enthusiasm or disability a problem or are you concerned that he is winning too much? My name is Poopsie Petoskey and Captain Queeg and I are part of a group from the San Francisco Bay Area.

MR. JACK

I strongly suggest that you act on our request, soon.

Thank you for your cooperation. Good luck.

 FADE IN – On the way off the casino floor, Poopsie comes up to Trixie at the roulette wheel and asks her for help in getting Queeg safely to his room.

FADE IN – Eve joins a group of young men at the craps table. She acts like a college co-ed in a provocative outfit.

Dolly and Carolina come over to the craps table to keep an eye on Eve. Eve, having a multiple personality episode, does not recognize them and Dolly and Carolina try to talk with her.

FADE IN – Ralphie sits down at the 21 table next to the one with Homer, Guy, and Babe.

FADE IN – Dexter is still trying to win the progressive slot jackpot. Buster is successful on the quarter slots and keeps giving Dexter more money so he can continue to play the progressive.

HOWARD HUGHES

Buster and Dexter, come on now.

Let’s go get some sleep.

DEXTER

I can’t leave now, Hugh.

I found the winning machine.

BUSTER

He is right Dexter. You can come back to it in the morning.

DEXTER

OK, just give me two more minutes.

BUSTER

I will take care of him Hugh.

OK, two minutes. That is it!

Dexter grabs a matchbook, tears it, makes sure no one is watching, and stuffs some cardboard into the slot so no one is able to drop coins in the machine.

 FADE OUT – It is very late. Early in the morning. Hughes has not had a drink in three days. He stares and moves his head like he is hearing voices.

FADE IN – Babs comes into her room very excited after taking Teddy out for his morning walk. Buck is surprised as he has just gotten out of the shower.

BABS

Buck, you will not believe what Teddy and I heard and saw this morning?

BUCK

What? Me in my birthday suit?

(laughter)

BABS

Yes, that too.

There were seagulls!

You know what that means don’t you?

BUCK

We are not far from the ocean?

BABS

You silly savage!

Eve foretells that such a sighting means it will be a good day.

BUCK

Teddy! That is great news.

Buck plays roughhouse with Teddy on the floor.

It would be great if we got very lucky today.

FADE OUT – As Babs seduces Buck.

X-RATED

FADE IN – Bright sunlight shines through the windows of Babe and Trixie’s room. Due to her obsessive-compulsive disorder, Babe repeats the flossing and brushing of her teeth. Meanwhile Trixie is very anxious. She is packing up her belongings for the bus ride home nervously. Trixie has a panic attack because she is afraid of leaving anything behind.

FADE IN – Eve and Hugh are getting ready for a big day with the help of Hugh’s guardian angel Rafael. Eve is dressing up in a new fashion and is speaking to Hugh in a different way.

RAFAEL

Get going Hugh. You do not have time to wait for her to get ready. Just let her know to meet Queeg at the craps table when she arrives on the casino floor.

FADE OUT – As Hughes’ vision of his guardian angel goes poof and vanishes.

FADE IN – Long line at the hotel buffet.

 FADE IN – Queeg creates commotion and garners attention in the buffet so that Hughes is able to pass information along to Laverne and Regis.

RAFAEL

Hugh, Hugh, the coast is clear. No one can see you. Give the notes to them now and get going. Don’t hesitate. Go for it.

Hughes slips notes to Laverne and Regis

RAFAEL

Bye, bye Hugh. It seems like your meds have kicked in. You will not be able to hear me. You can do it on your own. Good luck and enjoy the games!

FADE OUT – As Hugh looks around bewildered for the presence of his guardian angel Rafael.

 FADE IN – After exiting the buffet restaurant, Queeg is being followed by Dick of the Security Department.

Queeg makes the scene at the craps table.

BUTCH (to his staff)

Oh no, not this character again.

You guys keep an eye on him.

I’ll notify Mr. Jack and call Security.

FADE IN – Homer and Guy take a seat at the single-deck black jack table.

FADE IN – Teddy is leading Buck on a walk onto the casino floor. They draw attention of the security staff. They run into Bingo and Dolly. After she pisses, he pisses on top of it. Then Bingo takes a poop.

Two security officers stop and question the dog owners.

Mr. Jack walks over and before he can say anything,

 he steps in the dog dung.

Babs sees Security guards surrounding Dolly and Buck

and their dogs and confronts Mr. Jack and his staff.

Unsuccessful in getting relief for Teddy and Buck,

Babs phones Carolina as they are being led away.

 FADE IN – While sitting in the restaurant, Carolina is on the other end of the phone call with Babs.

CAROLINA

Babs, slow down.

Please calm down and speak slower.

(pause) What? Who? (pause)

Buck? What did you say?

We don’t have anyone by that name.

Babs, will you please calm down and stay with Dolly. Bye.

Waitress?

It is such a big effort for me to get up and down. Would you be a doll and bring me another strawberry shortcake?

===========

COPYRIGHT 2011 – MAX’S SCOUT SERVICES

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About Max's Scout Services and Communications of the Americas, LLC

WRITER / MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT / SPORTS FAN / HUMORIST/ FOOD CRITIC / HORSE AND DOG OWNER / CHRISTIAN / MEMBER OF THE COLORADO GREEN PARTY / ALOHA SPIRIT /

Posted on June 7, 2011, in Humor, Spirit. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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