Monthly Archives: November 2018

Parody Edition: Jokes for 2029

The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles

Parody Edition

Headlines from the year 2029… *

 

  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

(hey! Settle down, I just repeated it.  I didn’t write it!)

 

  • Ozone created by electric cars is now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, “Mexifornia” formally known as California.  White minorities still trying to have English recognized as “Mexifornia’s” third language.

 

  • A Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 

  • One baby was conceived naturally, scientists are stumped.

 

  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

 

  • The last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

 

  • The area of Iraq is still closed off; nuclear physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decays to safe levels.

 

  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaican Rastafarians.

 

  • Castro Jr. finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

  • George Z. Bush, adopted son of Jeb Bush, says he will run for President in 2032.

 

  • The United States Postal Service raises the price of a first-class stamp to

$12.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

  • Revealed in an 85-year, federally-funded $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the key to weight loss.

 

  • The average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

 

  • The State of Massachusetts executes its last remaining conservative.

 

  • The Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 

  • Donald J. Trump receives another pardon from President Clinton.

 

  • The average height of NBA players is now eight feet, seven inches.

 

  • A new federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

 

  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

 

  • A Capitol Hill intern is indicted for refusing to have sex with a congressperson.

 

  • The IRS sets the lowest income tax rate at 55 percent.

 

  • Florida voters are still having trouble with voting machines.

 

george carlincomedian from heaven

=                  =                  =

 

* (Jokes originally written in 2005)

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Laugh – Come ‘on Sourpuss, Laugh it Up to Your Health

The healing power of laughter
by The Dailey Sun~Chronicles

Laugh!

It is great for the mind, body, and spirit.

It may seem odd to find humor when facing a serious issue. Research with cancer patients have shown that laughter can help lift the spirit and connect with others.

 

Many benefits of laughter . . .

St. Augustine wrote “Serve the Lord with Laughter”

 

Humor heals the physical body, strengthens the spirits, and is great for mental health.

 

Laughter may help you feel better about yourself and the world around you. Laughing leads to physical changes in the body.

 

After laughing for just a few minutes, feeling better may last for hours.

 

Physiologically, laughing has multiple benefits:

 

1)    Enhances oxygen intake.

 

2)    Stimulates both the lungs and heart.

 

3)    Relaxes the muscles throughout the body.

 

4)    Triggers the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers.

 

5)    Eases digestion by soothing the stomach muscles.

 

6)    Relieves pain.

 

7)    Balances blood pressure.

 

8)    Improves mental functions.

 

9)    Enhances alertness.

 

10)    Boosts creativity.

 

11)    Improves memory.

 

trump tweets