Blog Archives

Parody Edition: Jokes for 2029

The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles

Parody Edition

Headlines from the year 2029… *

 

  • Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

(hey! Settle down, I just repeated it.  I didn’t write it!)

 

  • Ozone created by electric cars is now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, “Mexifornia” formally known as California.  White minorities still trying to have English recognized as “Mexifornia’s” third language.

 

  • A Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

 

  • One baby was conceived naturally, scientists are stumped.

 

  • Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

 

  • The last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

 

  • The area of Iraq is still closed off; nuclear physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decays to safe levels.

 

  • France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaican Rastafarians.

 

  • Castro Jr. finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

  • George Z. Bush, adopted son of Jeb Bush, says he will run for President in 2032.

 

  • The United States Postal Service raises the price of a first-class stamp to

$12.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

  • Revealed in an 85-year, federally-funded $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the key to weight loss.

 

  • The average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

 

  • The State of Massachusetts executes its last remaining conservative.

 

  • The Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

 

  • Donald J. Trump receives another pardon from President Clinton.

 

  • The average height of NBA players is now eight feet, seven inches.

 

  • A new federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

 

  • Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

 

  • A Capitol Hill intern is indicted for refusing to have sex with a congressperson.

 

  • The IRS sets the lowest income tax rate at 55 percent.

 

  • Florida voters are still having trouble with voting machines.

 

george carlincomedian from heaven

=                  =                  =

 

* (Jokes originally written in 2005)

Advertisements

Laugh – Come ‘on Sourpuss, Laugh it Up to Your Health

The healing power of laughter
by The Dailey Sun~Chronicles

Laugh!

It is great for the mind, body, and spirit.

It may seem odd to find humor when facing a serious issue. Research with cancer patients have shown that laughter can help lift the spirit and connect with others.

 

Many benefits of laughter . . .

St. Augustine wrote “Serve the Lord with Laughter”

 

Humor heals the physical body, strengthens the spirits, and is great for mental health.

 

Laughter may help you feel better about yourself and the world around you. Laughing leads to physical changes in the body.

 

After laughing for just a few minutes, feeling better may last for hours.

 

Physiologically, laughing has multiple benefits:

 

1)    Enhances oxygen intake.

 

2)    Stimulates both the lungs and heart.

 

3)    Relaxes the muscles throughout the body.

 

4)    Triggers the release of endorphins, which are the body’s natural painkillers.

 

5)    Eases digestion by soothing the stomach muscles.

 

6)    Relieves pain.

 

7)    Balances blood pressure.

 

8)    Improves mental functions.

 

9)    Enhances alertness.

 

10)    Boosts creativity.

 

11)    Improves memory.

 

trump tweets

Dailey Sun~Chronicles “News You Can Use” “No Rumors, No Fakes, Just the Facts, Jack!” “All the Good News”

 

Volume VII, Issue 24                                   10 – 24 – 2018                         ***** Edition

What Has Been Happening in America

 

This issue is a tribute to my dear daughter and birthday girl.

October 24th also happens to be the annual anniversary of United Nations Day.

 

Along the North Atlantic Coast . . .

Dateline: Norfolk, Virginia

A woman reports to police that a man broke into her home, made them breakfast, took a shower, and washed his clothes.

Dateline: Washington, D.C.

The Trump Administration announces plans to reduce taxes for middle-class, build the Mexican Wall with Saudi Arabian blood money, give Ivanka Trump designed and Chinese-made goods to African Americans, and not to ever lie or mislead Americans.

Dateline: Greenville, S.C.

Police caught a student with a knife that she used to snort cocaine before class.

Dateline: Greenville, N.C.

Police sought treatment for a pit bull who dug up a loaded .38-caliber pistol.

Dateline: Lehigh Acres, Florida

Senior found dead with his head stuck in an electric car window.

                                                            =          =          =

In the North American Wild West . . .

Dateline: Gunnison, Utah

School district brushed aside a claim of sexual abuse as a case of “boys being boys.”

Dateline: Los Angeles, California

A former Republican congressional aide, Michael Kimbrew, has received a sentence of 18 months in prison for accepting a $5,000 bribe.

Dateline: Laramie, Wyoming

“The World Needs More Cowboys” is the battle cry of the University of Wyoming’s half a million-dollar marketing campaign.

                                                            =          =          =


witch
                                                                           

Remembering the “Witch Hunt”

This Halloween Week

 

In the American Heartland . . .

Dateline: Willard, Ohio

Two men who hopped a freight train were arrested after they phoned 911 to report that their train was moving too fast.

 

Dateline: Marquette, Michigan

The county accepted a $65K grant to keep an eye on the U.S. – Canada border.

 

Dateline: Peru, Indiana

State Police busts have netted what they call “Donald J. Trump-shaped” ecstasy pills.

                                                                        =          =          =

Elsewhere in the United States of America . . .

Dateline: Kansas City, Missouri

Over 70 community and religious leaders are requesting that all politicians stop vilifying immigrants.

 

Dateline: CNN

Debate continues about the deep meaning of the president’s chosen vocabulary particularly during his rallies. The Washington Post and others have lost track of how many instances of misinformation, falsehoods, and lies have been promoted.

 

 

 

copyright MMXVIII – Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas, LLC –

“The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles”

Geaux Irish and Color-Me-Cardinal . . . Rematch Ahead 9-29-18 . . . The Feast Day of Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael (may none of the student-athletes be injured)

via Geaux Irish and Color-Me-Cardinal . . . Rematch Ahead 9-29-18 . . .

 

Rose Bowl Ball

The Feast Day of Archangels Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael

(may none of the student-athletes be injured)

Outside the Pubs: How the Brits are Speaking of America

“Talk about throwing a spanner in the works[1], those Americans have really picked themselves a tosser[2] haven’t they?”

“Bob’s your uncle![3] There are not enough bog rolls[4] in the world to clean up their shambles[5].”

“Have you seen how the all too chuffed [6] wanker[7] came across the Atlantic and attempted to gut[8] NATO, too?”

“Blimey! Toff[9] Trump has lost the plot[10] and It seems he cares more about his dodgy[11] Russian business partners than our long history of Western civilization alliances.”

“Those same bloaks knicked[12] their election! They got shagged.[13]”

“You know your onions[14]. The nutter[15] punter[16] has knocked the sod off[17] the prime ministers of at least three countries in less than a fortnight[18].”

“Absobloodylootely![19] I’d say so and how that it is not at all ace[20] to be misogynistic, racist, egomaniac, and xenophobic.”

“The greedy plonker[21] may be off to Bedfordshire[22] with the chav[23].”

“Gobsmacked[24] I am!”

“Couldn’t their citizens become knackered[25] and make the oaf redundant[26]?”

“No, not even one off.[27] Their system works wonky[28], unlike ours.”

“What now, is  the tactless, belligerent fool always on the pull?[29]

“Or must he see a nasty man about a dog?[30]”

“I’d wager more than a tad[31] if his mother was alive,

she’d spank his pompous arse.[32]

stop

Plonker!?!

= = = =

[1] Screw up = “Throw a spanner in the works”

[2] Idiot = Tosser; a.k.a. Daft Cow

[3] There you go! = “Bob’s your uncle”

[4] Toilet paper = Blog Roll

[5] Mess; Plan gone wrong = Shambles

[6] Proud = Chuffed

[7] Idiot = Wanker or Knob-Head

[8] Tried to devastate = Gut

[9] Upper Class Person = Toff

[10] Gone crazy = Lost the Plot

[11] Suspicious = Dodgy

[12] Stolen = Nicked

[13] Screwed = Shagged

[14] Being knowledgeable = Know your onions

[15] Crazy Person = Nutter

[16] Prostitute’s Client = Punter

[17] Pissed-off = Sod-off

[18] Two weeks = Fortnight

[19] Yes! = Absol-bloody-lutely!

[20] Cool = Ace

[21] Idiot = Plonker

[22] Going to bed = “I’m off to Bedfordshire”

[23] White Trash = Chav

[24] Amazed = Gobsmacked

[25] Tired = Nackered

[26] Fired from a job = Made redundant

[27] One time only = One Off

[28] Not Right = Wonky

[29] Looking for Sex = “On the Pull”

[30] Do a deal or take a dump = “See a man about a dog”

[31] Little Bit = Tad

[32] Rear End / Fat Buttocks = Arse

= = = =

copyright 2018

Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas, LLC

“for musement only”

 

That Was the Week That Was

The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles                                                                                                                                                                                       “News You Can Use”

“No Rumors, No Fakes – Just the Facts, Jack!”

“Newspapers are worth at least the price you pay; if it is free, it is worth nothing”

Volume VII, Issue 15                       Sunday, July 29, 2018                                  ***** Edition

 

In the North American Wild West . . .

Dateline: Corpus Christi, Texas

A woman dressed as a cockroach attended a city council meeting to bring attention not only to her but an influx of rodents in an area where new vegetation was planted.

Dateline: Seattle, Washington

This city maintains its ‘king’ status for the third consecutive year with more than 60 construction cranes erected, which is more than 30 than in any other city in the USA.

Dateline: Coeur D’Alene, Idaho

The local resort estimates that 30,000 golf balls have accumulated on the floor of the lake bed near a floating golf green.

                                                            =          =          =

Along the North Atlantic Coast . . .

 

Dateline: Plaistow, New Hampshire

A man inside Planet Fitness’ “judgment free zone” tries to reason with police after being apprehended for exercising naked.

 

Dateline: Albany, New York

A series of cybersecurity drills are being conducted to see how vulnerable the state’s election system is to hacking.

                                                            =          =          =

In the American Heartland . . .

Dateline: Fort Smith, Arkansas

An ordinance outlawing public dancing on Sundays since 1953 (for 65 years) has finally been repealed.

 

Dateline: Paw Paw, Michigan

Police were told of a man was shot in the neck while searching for deer antlers. He was charged for filing a false felony report when it was learned that the ‘victim’ fell on his own arrow.

 

Dateline: Lexington, Kentucky

Two confederate statues were relocated to the town cemetery after being located downtown for more than 130 years. Confederate Secretary of War John Breckinridge and General John Hunt Morgan have already found their final resting places.

                                                                        =          =          =

Elsewhere in the United State of America . . .

Dateline: Wailuku, Hawai’i

Due to the Kilauea Volcano eruption on the Big Island, the Hawaii Animal Rescue Foundation has taken in more than 80 displaced dogs.

dogs - Copy

 

 

 

copyright MMXVIII – Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas –

“The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles”

Italian Who Brings All Christians Together

by Robert Ellsburg

St. Pope John XXIII led efforts for ecumenicalism of all people.

On October 28, 1958, a new pope greeted the Church from the balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square. There stood the smiling, rotund figure of Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, the son of peasants and recently the patriarch of Venice. “I am called John,” he said.

In appearance, and in almost every other respect, Pope John XXIII stood in contrast with his gaunt and otherworldly predecessor, Pius XII. Gregarious and open, John exuded an enthusiasm for life that in itself set a positive tone for his pontificate and raised hopes for a season of change. These hopes were answered by the astonishing announcement that he intended to convene an ecumenical council, the first in almost a hundred years. He spoke of the need to “open the windows” of the Church and to let in fresh air. It was the signal of an extraordinary renewal, an era of openness and positive dialogue between the Church and the modern world.

On October 4, 1962, on the eve of the opening of the Second Vatican Council, Pope John made a rare trip outside of Rome to visit Assisi, to pray to the Blessed Mother and St. Francis for the success of the Council. It was a reminder of his deep Franciscan roots. As a young boy of fourteen, while enrolled in the junior seminary of Bergama, he was received as a Third Order Franciscan. “Oh! The serene and innocent joy of that coincidence,” he later said. “A Franciscan tertiary and cleric on his way to the priesthood, drawn in, therefore by the same cords of simplicity, still unconscious and happy, that was to accompany us up to the blessed altar that was later to give us everything in life.”

There were many steps along the way to the Chair of St. Peter: Apostolic Visitor to Bulgaria and then Turkey, nuncio to France, and later Patriarch of Venice. But Pope John always acknowledged his familial bonds with the followers of St. Francis. In 1959, just before his election as pope, he presided over a celebration marking the 750th anniversary of Pope Innocent III’s approval of the Franciscan Rule. At the end of his remarks, he said, “Beloved sons! Allow us to add a special word from the heart to all those here who belong to the peaceful army of the lay Tertiaries of St. Francis: I am your brother Joseph.” Having launched Vatican II, Pope John did not live to see it completed. Dying of cancer, he retained his humor and humility. “My bags are packed,” he said, “and I am ready to go.” From his deathbed he dictated a final message of hope for the Church he loved:

Now more than ever, certainly more than in past centuries, our intention is to serve people as such and not only Catholics; to defend above all and everywhere the rights of the human person and not only those of the Catholic Church; it is not the Gospel that changes; it is we who begin to understand it better…. The moment has arrived when we must recognize the signs of the times, seize the opportunity, and look far abroad.

johnxxiii_revised

Pope John XXIII died on June 3, 1963. In a few brief years he had won the hearts of the world, and his passing was universally mourned. He was canonized in April 2014.


In convening the Second Vatican Council, Saint John XXIII
showed an exquisite openness to the Holy Spirit.
He let himself be led and he was for the Church a
pastor, a servant-leader. This was his great service to
the Church; he was the pope of openness to the Holy Spirit.

source: https://blog.franciscanmedia.org/franciscan-spirit/the-franciscan-saints-john-xxiiiutm_campaign=The%20Franciscan%20Saints%202018&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=64215959&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-9YcaOgdrEPC1UVvNOfpDWDcVq3qgQ0VRp3ZtHiW-GiK47RVMlEiGRmpU8zrqSOe40TvhHJ2caF6eRI2JIoOb5w87u2mA&_hsmi=64215959

The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles : That Was The Week That Was in the USA

The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles

“All the Good News” “News You Can Use”
“No Rumors, No Fakes – Just the Facts, Jack!”
“Newspapers are worth at least the price you pay; if it is free, it is worth nothing”

Volume VII, Issue 8      Friday, June 1, 2018      ***** Edition     Only $1

 

TWWTW: That Was
the Week That Was in America

In the North American Wild West . . .

Dateline: Carson City, Nevada

Next to the infamous MOONLIGHT Bunny Ranch, owner Dennis Hof plans to open an anti-ageing Rejuvenation Center.

Dateline: Federal Way, Washington

An overturned semi spilled over 40,000 pounds of chicken feathers onto Interstate 5; it took over 4 hours to clean-up the closed freeway.

Dateline: Anchorage, Alaska

State officials have released a plan to reduce “greenhouse gases” by 30%.
= = =

Along the North Atlantic Coast . . .

Dateline: Kennebunkport, Maine

President George H.W. Bush attended the monthly pancake breakfast of American Legion Post 159; regrettably, he could not stay for the annual Memorial Day parade.

 

Dateline: Tiverton, Rhode Island

The Twin River Casino will open ahead of schedule, which was September 1st.
.
= = =

In the American Heartland . . .

Dateline: Cassopolis, Michigan

Authorities have restored Stephen Bogue’s home, which was a station of the Underground Railroad during the 1850s and 1860s/

 

Dateline: Bismarck, North Dakota

The chairman of the state’s Republican Party quit.

 

Dateline: Cleveland, Tennessee

Feds acknowledged that they did a
DEA raid on a family’s home erroneously.

= = =

DSCF0076

Respect [the safety pin reminds us to respect all]

Elsewhere in the United State of America . . .

Dateline: Sarasota, Florida

A couple woke up to find a 300-pound alligator in their swimming pool.

 

copyright MMXVIII – Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas –
“The San Dailey Sun~Chronicles”

Psychoanalysis of a Life Changing Event [for my ex-wif]

May Day 2018

No not for this author but for my ex- and only wif during my 64+ years.

The irony is I thought that Beatles song would mirror my own life (you know, … Vera, Chuck, and Dave) when I attained this age of mine despite using all kinds of recreational drugs (no H or smack) during my ‘formative years’ – when coincidently I met my wif during college days in the Big Ten Conference – and engaging for pay in some dangerous and unsafe activities (fyi, I became a safety engineer in 1979 – when coincidently I married my wife near Lake Michigan – we did not have issues until we arrived in the ‘land of milk and honey’ Northern California).

You would think I’d be mildly upset that my college honey decided to remarry an atheist, who lived next door between 1995 and 2007 – when coincidently I moved to Sonoma County wine country, alone.

Naw she could not understand how elated I was that she would be able to retire next week and not have to work in a preschool daycare center until she aged to 80 or so. My vows specifically stated ‘until death do y’all part’ and I had still felt responsibility for her health insurance premiums, mortgage payments, property taxes, raising our daughter, and the re-sale value on a $2 to $3,000,000.00 house in beautiful County of San Mateo.

Fortunately, the divorce proceedings she handled her self and but I hired a lawyer only to be shafted after we’d been separated for a year or so.

What I thought was my second love of my life, was lost because Susan was so honorable that we refrained from ‘hanky panky’ until my first divorce was finalized. The time was not right for us and I suffered a broken heart.

iinmate-commits-suicide-in-jail

Today, I am thinking that I would not have incurred a broken heart if my ex-wif did not drag her feet meddling with the legal paperwork and dirty-dealing with my lawyer and the divorce court judge in his chambers, no less. Dear Susan and I could not wait… I recall breaking up on the Fourth of July, no less.

Like a cat falling, I always have tried to land on my feet after losing a relationship or changing jobs.

Death is a subject which I have researched. Taking a lesson from Kubler-Ross, I should be angry, then go through denial, and now begin to cry. So I am trying to cry today so my subconscious can, as my Mom would say, “David, get over it.”

I should just write it off that my ex-wif decided on “a marriage of convenience.”

Excuse me, I am going to take a nap.

Index of the Seven Essays in this Series

Psychoanalysis of DBD’s Life-Changing Event in 2018

Part One

https://maxsscoutservicesllc.wordpress.com/2018/05/11/psychoanalysis-of-a-life-changing-event-for-my-ex-wif/

 

Part 2

https://wordpress.com/post/hootervilleranchindiana.wordpress.com/734

 

Part III

https://wordpress.com/post/daileysun.wordpress.com/349

 

Part IV

https://wordpress.com/post/backhomeinindianawithferg.wordpress.com/192

 

Part V

https://wordpress.com/post/hootervilleranchindiana.wordpress.com/740

 

Part VI

https://maxsscoutservicesllc.wordpress.com/2018/05/22/part-vi-psychoanalysis-of-an-ex-lovers-major-life-changing-event/

 

Part VII

https://backhomeinindianawithferg.wordpress.com/2018/05/24/seventh-part-a-psychoanalytic-retrospective-of-an-ex-lover/

 

 

copyright 2018

Max’s Scout Services & Communications of the Americas

[ for musement only ]

Chinaman Invades America’s Masters

via One-in-a-Billion Chance or 4,000,000,000 to 1 Odds to Win The Masters